How To Really Butcher A Romance Fanfic
by blackroseofvengeance
Summary: SasuSaku what the title says. Has a kinda wannabe lemon in it but nothing that actually qualifies as a citrus fruit. Still gonna rate it M just in case. please r and r. everything you hate in a fanfic


How To Really Butcher A Romance Fanfic

**Q) What happens when you put me on holiday?**

**A) With nothing to do I read fanfics. It has recently come to my attention that the romance fanfics are the ones that tend to get completely botched and so as my rant I will write a fanfic of my own that involves all the things to butcher a fanfic.**

**This is a crackfic with the brand of humor I am known for-sarcasm of the type that leaves people broken in my wake. Therefore this will not be as bad as some of the other dreadful attempts at crack I have done. Please note. This is not the way I write fanfics normally. Get it. Ok. Although I might stick to the sarcasm...**

**In this fanfic I will rant about the basics. Beware: serious sarcasm overload**

*****UPDATE*** If you like this, you might like my new story/analysis-Flaming Immortal. **

Sakura brushed her pink hair out of her face smiling and tying it back with her forehead protector. It was another day of glorious missions and best of all she could spend the day with her _beloved _Sasuke-kun. Her heart palpitated rapidly as she thought of Sasuke. She sighed. Of course he ignored her or worse...but still. At least she could be around her dream boy.

Sasuke, in the meantime, was unsurprisingly **not **thinking of Sakura. He was thinking about how many weapons he could stick in Naruto without Kakashi noticing.

Sasuke was slightly early. He was still thinking about turning Naruto into a human pincushion when he saw her. Sakura. And she looked so lovely with her legs and boobs and stuff. Yes, Uchiha Sasuke, who had seen Sakura everyday and had never shown interest in her, had suddenly noticed that she'd got legs and boobs and stuff and started liking her now. He wanted her to revive her clan and he wanted her now. He was having rather erotic fantasies. Christ, when had he started having those?

Suddenly the author decided that they want Sasuke and Sakura to have a romantic moment so Sasuke, being extremely OOC carefully eased himself towards Sakura. He steels his courage. And in a very un-Sasukelike way asks Sakura if she could possibly please go on a date with him. After he said this he blushed deeply and after hearing yes, rushed away to compile his courage again. Of course the angsty Uchiha survivor determined to kill his own brother said possibly please... and blushed. And generally looked like a frightened rabbit. Never mind the fact that this isn't realistic (for the Naruto world anyway).

The mission was a success and Team 7 had gone home. Sasuke and Sakura were preparing for their date. Naruto was at Sasuke's house, prepping Sasuke for his upcoming date. The poor Uchiha was so nervous he was sweating and Naruto was calming his nerves whilst helping him choose an outfit. Naturally being Sasuke's greatest rival, not to mention having a huge crush on Sakura, not only had Naruto dropped everything when he heard that Sasuke was going out with Sakura and had nothing to wear and sprinted to help him but he also gave Sakura up graciously saying that Sasuke deserved her. Likewise, Ino was doing the exact thing at Sakura's apartment. She too had dropped her crush on Sasuke and come round as soon as she'd heard the news.

So finally the outfits were planned and Sasuke and Sakura were heading to the restaurant where they were going for their date. And Sasuke had already said that Sakura looked beautiful 3 times. As he usually does. So during the date, they made intelligent conversation. And got to know each other better. Because Sasuke always talks about himself, especially to Sakura. And he always compliments .thing about her; her hair, her dress, her face, her shoes, her eyes and the list goes on.

And the date goes well. It goes really well. So well, that Sasuke invites Sakura back to his apartment. For...lemon(ade). And then suddenly the author pauses. Considering the authors of these sorts of fanfics are usually 12 or 13 and couldn't possibly describe sex in detail, there really are three options they could choose. Actually the correct thing to do would be to just leave the fanfic at safe ground aka the date or better, not written it at all therefore not inflicting their bad writing on us. But seeing as the author has already progressed too far to do any of these things they have only these options:

Read what they have just written. Consider the sheer OOCness and stupidity of it. Consider the person reading the fanfic and delete it. Remove it from your mind **forever**

Leave the fanfic at the suggestion of a (glass of) lemon(ade). Possibly add some other form of innuendo for sick readers. That why they flamers may go slightly easier on you...or not

However, our budding author nearly _always _chooses:

Dive right in with a lemon. Even though what they know about sex is what they've heard in sex ed(A/N Writing an actually lemon, especially a crap one will seriously depress me therefore this will be a sort of wannabe lemon) and thus:

Sasuke had given Sakura his coat because she had been cold and so when he went to take it off her as his apartment was overly hot. He blushed as Sakura smiled a coy smile at him. The fangirl author attempts to show how much she has grasped the Japanese language by suddenly inserting KAWWWWAAAAIII!

'Wanna assist me out of the rest of my clothes?' grinned the rosette. The brunet grinned right back. Yes, we have reached that glorious time when the first names are discarded and the characters are referred to by their hair colour. Never mind that Sasuke was black hair therefore he is actually a raven. (A/N Because I am a perfectionist from now on I am going to call Sasuke 'the raven' because that is his hair colour and you must have got the point.) The raven took this as his cue and walked over to her slowly kissing her whilst answering her question.

'Sasu-kun' the rosette peered up into Sasuke's eyes. She looked worried and Sasuke looked at her, concerned. 'How many girls have you...' It was Sasuke's turn to look worried.

'If I tell you, you won't want me...' he whispered miserably into her ear. 'I'm not a virgin like you. I'm a...' He paused as he swallowed then murmured '_Whore_' (Has anyone else noticed that characters are either virgins or whores and they **always **seem to feel bad about it)

After Sakura convinced him that it didn't matter, the green eyed girl (yep, we've moved off hair colour and onto eye colour) then began to tell the onyx eyed boy about how she was worried that she might not be good enough for him as she was a virgin. At this point, most of us have actually clicked off the fanfic. Those of us still reading are staring blank-eyed at the screen because quite frankly we don't care if Sakura's a virgin or Sasuke's a whore. We are actually waiting for some form 

of plotline. Finally the author can't delay the lemon anymore and so it begins...so after endless referral to Sakura as a cherry blossom and so on and so forth, the "love-making" begins. Somehow, this doesn't hurt Sakura at all and she actually knows what do...so much for the virgin. And the author will always want to put some more Japanese (God help us) so much onegai is added into the dialogue as well as honorifics. Of course this puke-inducing little session is guaranteed to end in the same way. Sakura comes first, then Sasuke straight after. 12 year olds either have no idea that a male could possibly underperform or they have no imagination.

Anyway the turquoise eyed girl (yes, her eyes change colour it appears) snuggled down into the onyx eyed boy, thoroughly satisfied.

'I love you, Sasu-kun...(PUKE)' She murmurs

'I love you too, Sakura-chan' He says cuddling her. Oh, did you not that the sexy, angsty, brooding, get-out-of-my-personal-bubble Uchiha cuddles people AND says i love you-tut tut.

Owari-wasn't that just soooooo KAAAWWWWAAAAIIIIIII!! Sasu-kun and Saku-chan go sooooooo well together.

**OWARI**

Well thanks for reading. Just to inspire you to review, I have a little ending here that will cleanse you of the fluff at the end and isn't quite so KKAAAAWWWWWAAAAAIIIIII

_While the happy couple were sleeping, a figure slipped out of the window with the stealth of a ninja. Naruto had never left the apartment. He patted his pocket. He had safely got a video of Sasuke and Sakura and was planning on making several copies of it for SasuSaku fans. And not just that...he'd also saved himself the money he would've spent buying porn. _

Hope that inspires you all to write reviews. If that doesn't nothing will. Anyway if you flame, they will just be deleted.

Sorry there was no lemon but I just don't feel like writing intimate details about sex from the mind of some 12 year old fangirl


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